let me breathe…
I have never been so enraptured by the ebb, recoiling from friends, family, loved ones of all sorts, as have I been recently. Then, so much has happened in the moons that have passed. Change, death, loss, defeat have been quite ubiquitous and despite my most valiant and audacious endeavors I have not been able, until quite recently, to shake myself from their cold and knobby fingers, grasping, pulling… no matter the effort they keep pulling you down into that which you fear the most. You can’t really see well. It’s sort of dark and there is dirt and dust in your eyes, a grating sound as skin dragged over earthen floor… your breathing is agonal, gasping. Every breath seems to say, “if only I could clear this debris from my face I could get a breath”. When did you lose your footing? How long have these knobby fingers that you cannot weakly brush away been dragging you and to where? Why can’t you summon the strength to hand to brush away the refuse that smells of alley…?? Why can’t you cry out? Why have those stretched strings that live in the dark behind your tongue been baited by decoys of futility? Why can’t you breathe? Creepy nes pa?
Sometimes the shadow knows. When avoided he skulks about leaving little reminders that in the absence of that which you are not, that which you are is not. The hermit walks alone. He has given his perception entirely to “the light within”, which, as coincidence would have it, if one is inclined to look closely, is a shape of many, MANY meanings (most of which I will not go into at the moment).
Suffice it to say, it is consciousness, awareness, elucidation… his very spirit that he now turns to. He discovers that the only true means to an end is that which embraces the world as within before without, whether consciously or not. He is undaunted by distraction. In his sublime reality there is no other thing. He has returned to the quietude of the mountain’s peak. Clarity. And now he can descend/ascend again into the world of men. His staff which guides and molds his world of waking now reflects the contents of the lantern and his footsteps have purpose and his wisdom is renewed.
March 19, 2009 –> Sun Trine Ascendant
“You are in harmony with the people in your immediate environment. There is a sense of ease and of flowing with, rather than fighting against or resisting, what is going on around you. Therefore, you have more energy and more fun at this time. Now is a good time to make a presentation, go for an interview or meet the public in some way. The response is positive.”
…Off to interview. I will update you soon my dear blog. How I have missed you. Soon enough we shall dance together again! There is so much to tell, so much to say and yet slow moving clock hands escape me even though I cannot escape them. Hands that hold they are…
“Crazy”
not sayin’
not charmed at all
not sayin’
that you weren’t worth
the fall
and i was alone when
i knew it was real
down the canyon
when i knew i had come
to the line
through the dawn
to the light
to the turn
when you said
you could drive
all night
drive all night
so i let crazy
take a spin
then i let crazy
settle in
kicked off my shoes
shut reason out
he said “first let’s just
unzip your religion
down”
found that i
i craved at all
saw me melt
into your
native shelter
where you carved my
name
paper tigers scare
and came
alive
through the dawn
to the light
to the turn
when you said
you could drive all night
all night
drive all night
so i let crazy
take a spin
then i let crazy
settle in
kicked off my shoes
shut reason out
he said “first let’s just
unzip your religion
down”
so i let crazy
pull me in
then i let crazy
take his spin
kicked off my shoes
shut reason out
he said “first let’s just unzip
your religion down”
heard that you were once
“temptation’s girl”
and as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
he will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
if i know crazy
There was a guy
An underwater guy who controlled the sea
Got killed by ten million pounds of sludge
From New York and New Jersey
This monkey’s gone to heaven
The creature in the sky
Got sucked in a hole now
There’s a hole in the sky
And the ground’s not cold
And if the ground’s not cold
Everything is going to burn
We’ll all take turns
I’ll get mine, too
This monkey’s gone to heaven
Rock me, Joe!
If man is 5
Then the devil is 6
And if the devil is 6
Then God is 7
This monkey’s gone to heaven
What is it about having little to do that makes the days disappear with such haste? Oh, at first, things seem indolent and disinclined to move or otherwise demonstrate progress of any kind whatsoever. The sun languidly, almost begrudgingly, heaves itself up over the horizon, yawning, spilling lazy grapefruit colored rays over the still slumbering landscape. The chilly night zephyrs punch out for the day to retire to where ever it is they go in repose, and the day-dawn breezes that warm the waking, file in for work with their invisible morning coffee. Another day successfully begins.
It seems that between the space of dawn and dusk, an eternity passes by and we wait poised perfectly in anticipation for the sun’s retreat. Everything has changed. There are no constants, though seemingly structure surrounds us and fills our perceptions with some sense of comfort and order. The day passes, the night shift comes in and Morpheus beckons.
In tandem, the night and the day embrace their fates one giving way to and also begetting the other, until, to the on looker they all just seem to become a singular thing and even chronographers lose track. They do what they do and think of it not, they only do.
So unconscious does our perception of their work become, that we are scarcely able to catch our breath before the big blue lady we call home has rolled over on her fat ass again and we brace before we wake for that steadfast, jolly near-bed-fellow that is our electronic cockerel. He crows, we wake, and before long, paralleling the noctumbulast zephyrs and day-dawn breezes, we think of it not, we only do.
OFF With his head!!
Friday was an interesting day. I haven’t had much sleep since then and have generally been unable to fully comprehend the world around me. Unfortunately these are but some of the terrible side effects one experiences when one is blind-sided by something completely unexpected. I never expected Friday.
Friday morning I was gathering up important work documentation things, giving some thought to the events before me and planning what I suspected would be a rather mundane Friday. Before leaving the house I recieved an email from Charlotte, our Cheif Compliance Officer, the same who took my promised promotion away from me. She asked if I still had any of the tools or documents I’d created for use in a QAPI program. Paula, the woman she gave the job to, she explained, just needed something, anything to know where to get started or how to get the ball rolling.
Of course this came across as an audacious affront, in my opinion, to my gracious losing 2 months ago. I was a little shocked. Let me get this right, I thought: you want me, the one you decided wasn’t qualified or ready for the position to tell the one you chose how to do her job because neither of you even knows how to get the ball rolling?!?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me?
Still, I was kind, patient. I said, “Well, Charlotte, I think really that the tools are far too in depth for someone unfamiliar with them to wade through with no instruction, so I’d be happy to meet with you or her and discuss the utilization of my software.”
She said no. She suggested I forward to her what I had and they’d follow up with questions later should they have any. I was understandibly reluctant and explained that while I wasn’t attempting to appear overtly guarded, a lot of unrequited blood sweat and tears went into the creation of said tools. I would want to be assured that if they were used, in part or in full, that I would be involved in their implementation and credit would be given where credit was due. She responded, promptly saying all the right things and I sent her a copy of my jump drive.
Two hours later, I was fired! They cited, decreased productivity and office tensions between myself and the new clinical manager. I was mortified bewildered and confused. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back too much here, but how the fuck did I go from being the “star quarter-back” one month to yesterdays trash the next?!?!
I was called into the corporate office, sat down at the conference table with a nieve smile on my stupid face looking around wide-eyed wondering what was going on. Becky, the regional director and Charlotte sauntered in and took their seats. In not so many words, they informed me that in recognition of my hard work and dedication they were going to set my status as “layed off” instead of terminated or resigned, which would entitle me to automatic unemployment benefits and would allow me to use them on my resume. How generous!
Now it is worthy of note here that Becky has been with the company since August. Before August, I think I saw one person terminated. Since Becky came, something like 10 people have been dismissed in LESS THAN six months. Mind you, this is with a staff of probably 20 total. I have family members that work in a 700 bed hospital that haven’t fired 9 people in the past year with HUNDREDS of employees.
At what point does this sort of turnover begin to reflect negatively upon management? Surely not every employee that walks through the door is a bad one. I would also add that each of us let go has been terminated without warning, coaching, or suspension.
I… I just can’t believe it. That place was a sort of home to me. Aside from Carey, I’d been there longer than any other nurse. I just had a glowing performance review. I got the full 4% that no one supposedly ever gets. My review even said and I quote, “Byron is brilliant, diligent, determined and destined for greatness!”
As always when this sort of thing happens though, I’ll pick myself up. I’ll brush the shit off my knees and keep truckin’. Just as we walk one foot in front of the other, we live one day after another. Today, I rest. Tomorrow, I conquer the world…. somehow.
It is with the heaviest of sighs that I sit now, here at this computer. Exhuasted, mentally and physically, I can scarcely muster the care to be bothered by the fact that the house is a completele wreck. It’s absolutely squalid, well, alright, by my standards anyway. I couldn’t possibly begin to explain and so I won’t try.
I have started work on a new blog. It is a blog strickly about beauty. I’m not sure exactly what it will turn out to be, but so far I am impressed by it. When it is ready, I’ll post a link here of course. I must sleep. My body wants it.
Hmmm… I’m not sure I could have a creative bone in my body if I wanted one at the moment, they would be purged like watery feces from the bowels of my current decrepitude, but I have one of those things to say that you can’t just come out and say. So I’ll give it a go and then I shall bury myself in the fluffy arms of my bedding and vanish for awhile.
I’m not even sure without re-reading where I am in my post. Sometimes there are those things that we do not understand. We believe we understand them. We think we’ve got most of the world figured out, smooth. And we despise, loathe and abhor those things that are contrary to our understanding. Then something completely out of the blue happens.
Confusion ensues. What the fuck has happened and how could it have? I… I don’t understand. How could this be? How could everything I have held to be truth have flown out the window in such a short time? And, because I have identified so intrinsically and integrally with this ideal, my sense of self, if not rooted in “absolute self”, is diminished or dies in someway. There is a mourning. And then… you begin to process. You are born into a newer understanding all together and the situations entirety is illumined from another perspective. Most of the time the result is a greater understanding.
I must collapse now.
(My painting)
Alright, so I’ve mostly neglected you for days on end, dear blog. I’ve left you out in the cold, dark night waiting for the dawn and I’m sorry… now get over it. So many wonderous and shitty things have taken place in my life in recent days that I scarcely know where to begin. Some of them I wouldn’t pen, even in a place such as this, however and so they’ll remain relegated to the foggy nether places of my mist-laden memory.
Immediately of note in my mind is the fact that this post makes 101 posts since your inception. It’s interesting to imagine that I’ve had so much to say about life in the past year or so. I’m always musing something in my grey goo and so often these musings come and go fleetingly, never really giving me a picture of who I am in reference to who I have been. I see, in this quest for clarity, in this hunt for the dawn of being, those things that influence the choices I’ve made and how those choices, in turn, create those things. :::scratches head::: Whoops… I think I’ve just mentally piddled myself again… alas! Cerebral incontinence strikes again.
Where are you muse? Shall we go through this again? Shall I defenestrate everything in the house in search of you? Will you come willingly or do I have to use my tongue?
She does this now and again. If I neglect her long enough she decamps into a heavily wooded forgetfulness and leaves me outcast and bound in the clutches of culpability. Then, I’ll miss her, wonder if she still grants forgiveness and I’ll sit, try to look sexy, hoping to entice and beguile her into waking. Relectant, she circles me, teasing, her flowing robes about her sinuate over pampering zephyrs that twirl her languid locks above my face, gently, like the supple withes of a willow flirting with coursing waters.
Rhythm assigns itself to our heated breath and movement and in the gilded petals of blooming springtime passions we curl away from the waking world and toward one another, closer still. But soon she withdraws, glacially, unforgiving leaving me to ache in wanting. Entranced, I heave a heavy sigh and shiver, ready to beg.
When all is so prepared and at last I am resigned and wintry, embraced by only the frigid, she returns this time as a hag, scorned, betrayed. I cannot move, but await her cruel verdict; those once delicate breezing movements of the wind become silver razors and the sky of calm hues turns bitterly grey beneath her encroaching umbrage and her hollow eyes bind me. Poised above me, her corpse skin, cold against my own emulates the wither she has cast over the landscape of my dreams. She reminds me that is was the night from whence the dawn was born and to it the day returns, “Forsake me and you forsake the dawn, forever. Embrace me and you sire the sun, my beloved.” Then I wake again, torn from the arms of the dream godsand am cast into the belly of my own creation.
~~~~~~~~~~
Hmm… Not sure what that was about really, but I suppose I asked for it. Perhaps she’s still around after all. ::shrugs:: I dunno.
We climbed through the canopy
Only to find a crack in our gauge
The last thing a look you gave
And then we tumbled out of control
I tried to strike a deal with
The universe me and my
Deals with the universe
Smacked up side of the head
With the harsh of daylight
So simple last evening
The beauty of speed
Afraid we’ve been changin’
In a way I wasn’t lovin’
Feel those colors changing
The beauty of speed
I’m comin’ back for more
Out of a black and white world
Past a shooting star
The beauty of speed
See the colors changing
Even still I was built
To tolerate your temper-ature
It fluctuates so I must break
Through the bleak of winter
Through your latest barrier
Your latest barrier
Smacked up side of the head
With the harsh of daylight
So simple last evening
The beauty of speed
Afraid we’ve been changin’
In a way I wasn’t lovin’
Feel those colors changing
The beauty of speed
I’m comin’ back for more
Out of my black and white world
Past a shooting star
The beauty of speed
See the colors changing
See the colors changing
See the colors changing
Baby changin’ I see
Afraid we’ve been changin’
In a way I wasn’t lovin’
Feel these colors changing
The beauty of speed
Alright I’ve made out like a bandit! Let’s see if I can list everything.
Mum and Dad~ Shirt, sweater, D&G cologne, $150 gift card to amazon, game, nifty silicone measuing cups, a book
Momma Pwass~ New flatware, $50 gap gift card, D&G cologne, dress socks
Gran~ $50 Ross gift card, candies
Auntie B~ Water sprinkler, solar garden lights
Auntie M~ $50 Gift card to Best Buy
Pooh and Andy~ a nice rare ice wine
Ryon~ $50 amazon gift card
And probably some other fun things I’m forgetting. HOORAY!!! I love presents! Well, who doesn’t?
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if you know me, read at your own risk, I cannot be held responsible for disillusionment, shock or destruction of personal or projected idealism.